Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
