i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
