I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
