the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
