it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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