I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
