The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
