sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
