Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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