By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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