Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
