i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
