I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
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...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize