I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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