he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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