So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize