I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
