90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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