Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize