Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
