genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
