my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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