Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
bring money and cleavage
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
