mondays should just be called national damage control day
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
