census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
