Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
