If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
