I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
