I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
