Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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