between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
