i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
