I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
