i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
