**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My vagina just clenched in fear
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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