Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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