I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
