i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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