How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
