Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
