Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
