Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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