I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
