I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
