I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
