I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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