Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
