spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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