i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
