Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
