I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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