i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
