when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
