Sry I called you an 8
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
