Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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