You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
