She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
