Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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