I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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