Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
