It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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