saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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