Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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